Surviving A Breakup With A Narcissist: The 5 Biggest Mistakes You Can Easily Avoid

Surviving A Breakup With A Narcissist: The 5 Biggest Mistakes You Can Easily Avoid

Surviving a breakup with a narcissist is similar to surviving a breakup with someone who isn’t a narcissist. You just have to expect a bombshell to drop on you.

Self Help Tools To Use After An Attack 

My personal favourites!

You will have to prepare and deal with the stark reality of the breakup and all of its psychological upsets that come with it. The secret to surviving a breakup with a narcissist is you will know what to expect, so yes it will be shocking for you, but you will know to expect that shock factor.

How will you know what to expect? I am going to tell you.

The first of the five biggest mistakes that you can avoid is to stay broken up. Don’t hold out that you will get back together again; you are wasting your precious time.

Keep no contact, unless you have kids together then keep minimum contact, do not engage with him/her.

Losing someone through a breakup is and can be devastating for you, never forget that you will still need to go through a grieving process.

Expect every trick that they have used on you in the past, to resurface, and they will try everything, even new tricks you haven’t seen before. Expect the unexpected.

Assume that the narcissist will make contact with you, even if they were the ones to dump you, they will at some point get bored with the new arrangement that they have made and will try to see if you are still hurting for them.

The 5 Biggest Mistakes

  1. When you have broken up with a narcissist, stay broken up with them. Believe me; any sign that they may get from you is narcissist food for them to have a feast.

    As devastated as you may be feeling, the best thing to do for your sanity’s sake is to keep a journal about all the rough treatment you have received from your narcissistic ex. Have the journal with you at all times and write things down as you remember them. (This exercise will make you feel upset but it is a good idea to use meditation to help get yourself out of the negative thinking. Rethinking about the ‘hell’ that you suffered is bound to be a huge trigger for you).

When the narcissist does get in contact with you, then refer to these negative memories and ask yourself the question ‘Do you want to go back to feeling like this most of the time?’

2. Create your first boundary and make a solid commitment to yourself that you will have always to keep up a no contact rule.

A no contact rule is important for many reasons and must be upheld by you if you are to survive this breakup with your sanity intact.

It is important for you to remain silent because any utterance from you can and will be utilised in a negative way by the narcissist. He/she will be dissecting every single look, move or sound that you make, and it will easily be used by them to prove their behavior or used to discredit your name and to spread rumors about you.

If you give them nothing, then your mind and your sanity are safe. Of course, the narcissist makes stories up. Expect this. If they cannot find any dirt, then they use their active imaginations and can concoct a fairy tale story where you are the villain, and they are the victim.

3. It will take time for you to get over the breakup of your relationship and just because they are a narcissist doesn’t relieve the pain you will feel. I am not going to sugarcoat this; you will feel devastated, confused, hurt and manipulated and a whole host of other emotions will rear their ugly heads. You will naturally be going through a grieving process so expect your emotions to be up and down for a while it is normal for this to happen.

4. The key to surviving a breakup with a narcissist is to fully understand that they will use every trick in their arsenal to gain your attention.

You know what the real face of the narcissist is, yes? Only those that know a true narcissist will know this face. You may also have seen the rare glimpses of a softer nicer person; you know the one that you would drop everything for in a heartbeat, well, this more delightful person/face can show itself to you to try to woo you back.

You have to remember that the narcissists are good actors/actresses.

I have been stung with the kind narcissist act many times in my childhood to know exactly what it is when I see it and not to trust it one bit. I knew that nice wasn’t nice it was fake nice, so it was just as scary as the normal narcissist side because it threw me off-balance so many times. Experiencing this phenomenon, I can only describe it like this, it is like someone switching the switch for night and day, one friendly look to a stranger followed by a look towards me of hatred, anger, and disgust.

As well as seeing the narcissists nicer side here are seven tricks the narcissist will use to try to woo you back:

# narcissist trick 1. They will claim to change into a different person

# narcissist trick 2. They will beg forgiveness and will be sorry for what they have put you through

# narcissist trick 3. They will shower you with gifts

# narcissist trick 4. They will start saying all the stuff you wanted them to say to you the time you were with each other

# narcissist trick 5. They will go over all the good times you had together

# narcissist trick 6. They will show love towards you and be supportive for the first time in ages

# narcissist trick 7.  They will cry in front of you and make it look so sincere

They will do everything possible, even ridiculous things that will make your mind boggle. I mentioned above to expect the unexpected, well, there is one more classic narcissist trick that I didn’t mention and this one is quite serious.

They will fake a serious illness to get you back! A common illness for the narcissist to choose is cancer.

So can you imagine being told this devastating news you are bound to run back to them right? Good advice here is to hold out and do nothing; it should fade out into the nothing that it is. Remember it is a fake illness after all, but the narcissist could use it to their advantage if you break the no contact rule. But remember they will punish you for not saying anything about their fake illness along with their henchmen.

5. If you break the no contact rule with any of these tricks they pull on you, they will soon be back to their usual narcissist selves.

They will manipulate you; you will see that see-saw of emotions resurface again like rage followed by insincere ‘love you’ apologies and ‘I will never do that again honey bunny’.

Then will come the controlling stuff like telling you not to say certain things about them as the narcissist believes that they own you and control you.

They are arrogant and will ignore any boundaries you want to keep.

The mind games will start and so will the relentless competition they are in with you, but you have no idea this is going on.

So saying ‘yes’ to a narcissist will only mean that they will change back to the nasty creeps that they always were and soon you will be waist deep wallowing around in their excrement wishing you could escape and wondering why you were taken in so easily.

Expect to hear from them after a few months or even years.It is usually a cryptic garbled message that looks like gobbledygook. This is done on purpose for you to contact them and get communication going again. The biggest mistake is to acknowledge them.So don’t. The no contact rule is there for a reason, and it is a good reason. Just remember that any acknowledgment from you will be used against you.

What happens when you breakup with a narcissist?

When you breakup with a narcissist, consider these implications first.

You will go through emotional trauma, psychological trauma, you could experience physical trauma, and you will without a doubt suffer from a financial trauma.

The best thing to do before you breakup with a narcissist is to create a plan where you get all of your financial problems sorted out first.

If you split and the narcissist owes you money, kiss goodbye to it.

The narcissist will enjoy this game of cat and mouse and will never let you get anything you are owed back. ‘What money? Don’t know what you’re talking about’

As for all the other traumas, you will face again, plan, plan, plan. Make sure the narcissist doesn’t find what you are doing.

I think no matter what you are going through you are going to have to be your own rescuer. You will have to be strong about this but knowing there is a way out should make you feel a lot happier.

What a narcissist does at the end of a relationship?

If a narcissist leaves you, you can guarantee there will be plenty of drama involved in it.

Guaranteed is the financial bomb they will leave on your doorstep.

This brings back memories of an Oprah show I watched a few years ago, and it always stuck in my mind. The story is, the narcissist husband left his wife and kids through committing suicide, leaving a nasty letter behind describing how lousy she was as a wife. He left her in considerable debt and to top it all he canceled the insurance policy he had on himself a few days before he killed himself. So the poor woman not only had to deal with her husband’s death but also she was almost left homeless because of what he had done. He hated her and his children so much he wanted her and them to feel as dead as he was.

How does a narcissist feel when you move on?

If the narcissist has another victim to move onto like a new boyfriend/girlfriend, then they will quickly move on and disregard your relationship as if it were nothing.

Or the narcissist could be resentful of the fact that they don’t have a consistent supply to feed off, so they will do everything in their power to make sure you have a lousy time of it.

The thought of you moving on with your life will enrage the narcissist, and they will be cruel towards you calling you every name in the book. You will also become part of the ‘crazy people’ list, the narcissist has.

Will a narcissist return to a relationship? Will a narcissist come back after no contact?

Yes. In some way shape or form, they will want to return to your life. It is up to you whether you fall for this con man/woman trickster.

Surviving A Breakup With A Narcissist: The 5 Biggest Mistakes You Can Easily Avoid

 

Got questions? Leave a comment and let’s chat! I look forward to hearing from you soon!

This Article Was Written By

Jennifer

Jennifer Harry's goal is to help as many people as she possibly can by offering insights into other people relationships, looking at personality, horoscopes and Tarot. She is a recovering from narcissistic abuse and will be discussing the actions of individuals, why they do what they do, or say what they say when times get tough.

Comments

  • Karen 05/06/2017, 5:59 am

    I dated my narcissist when I was 19 years old and it was physically abusive and I managed to get out of it and then when I was 50 he reached out to me again and like a fool I took him back in the last four years of my life have been a living hell emotionally financially it’s just been absolutely horrible And I just broke it off with him two days ago and I’m just terrified to be by myself because I don’t know if he’s going to show up again and I don’t know what he’s gonna do

    Reply
    • jennifer 05/06/2017, 11:15 am

      I’m really sorry that you got taken in by this person, but they do have a habit of being charming and absolutely sorry that they hurt you in the past. The trouble is, they don’t mean a single word of it and often lull people into a false sense of security. If I were you, I would go about changing the locks on any doors and make sure your windows are locked at all times. I would inform the police that you need their help if your partner is physically abusing you. If you don’t get anywhere with the police then think about moving house and maybe even going to another town to live if you fear your life is in danger. Make a fresh start and inform only the people that you trust with your personal details. Narcissists are extremely unpredictable and can do anything at any time. It may be better for your sanity if you move out of town completely.

      Reply
    • Michelle 20/04/2018, 8:10 am

      Restraining order

      Reply
  • rebecca 23/07/2017, 6:23 am

    Hello,
    My high school sweetheart since we were sixteen years old, forty years together, and married for 30 years, took off his mask in January 2017, and revealed so much hate and anger towards me until 06/06/17. On this day, our 30th wedding anniversary, he was caught by our eldest daughter having an affair with a woman from his gym, illegal alien, non English speaking, mother of two, married, and making out with my soon to be ex husband in the car that I bought. Me, an educated woman, making over six figures, and a very good career. He left me. Not only did I discover he was a narcissist but also a sociopath. Unknown to me, he filed for divorce before our anniversary, he wanted to be alone, he stopped calling and texting me, he kicked me out of our room, and took all of his money away.
    He destroyed our family. He left me in financial ruins, he left our daughters in financial ruins, and he kicked me out of our marital home and seized the two cars we bought.
    I am so devastated that I can’t stand up. I cry all the time. I feel I have PTSD. I am confused, lost, betrayed, and in despair. I have been reading several articles in different websites in how to recover, the it just happened and I am trying. My daughters and I are in therapy. He filed divorce immediately. I am guilty of loving another human being unconditionally and with every cell in my being only to be discarded like trash as well as our adult girls. Every article I read describes him exactly. Unfortunately, I saw the red flags throughout the years, but I loved him. I did not know myself and our girls were being manipulated by this man until the recent separation. I pray that I find relief in this endless hole of pain. Thank you for your article.

    Reply
    • jennifer 25/01/2018, 7:53 am

      Your story although is completely devastating, is sadly typical of the average narcissistic behaviour. They all do tend to act the same, expect surprises and underhanded responses and actions from him along your journey to divorce. Play him at his own game and give him a few surprises that he won’t expect!

      Reply
  • CBjj 28/08/2017, 6:13 pm

    Hi,

    I’m really not sure what to do. I’m not sure it my now ex is a narcissist or if he just doesn’t care.
    Everything had been going great; granted he was hard to win over in the beginning as he was adamant he didn’t want a relationship, but he fell in love with me & that was that.
    He’s played this card a few times in the last 11 months, told me he doesn’t want me anymore or that he thinks we won’t work, at first we’d patch it up after a couple of hours, but eventually it’s gotten worse & he tells me he wants space, that he won’t see me etc.
    Anyway, thinks we’re going fine up until 7 weeks ago, when we had a friends wedding, he was best man so it was a big day. We ended up falling out, he’d had drink & some drugs, and when he eventually came home at 8am he physically attacked me, by pulling me out of the bed by my hair. I was shocked, I never thought he would lay a finger on me. I’ve seen him have tantrums & throw his phone about, scream in frustration etc. We fell out at the wedding because he kept dissapearing by the way.
    Anyway, I spent the next 2 weeks after the wedding trying to fix things, he showed very little remorse for hurting me, just said I ruined his best friends wedding for him. He eventually came round & we said we would give it another go. He made very little effort, we had a couple of nice days together but he was being quiet & short in his texts. So I ended it. He was upset but agreed it was the right thing to do. I instantly regretted it, and when I apologised he blocked me, started saying we weren’t ever gonna work, that I could do whatever I wanted with regards to other people, just basically acting like he didn’t care at all. Again a few torturess days later he unblocked me & agreed to see me. I went round, we had sex & had a bit of a giggle, I left & he text me saying it had ‘ruined’ him seeing me, & was asking me not to sleep with anyone else just yet, & to give it time. The morning after I text him asking him if he was sure he wanted it to be over, I would delete his number & leave it. He said he didn’t know what to do, as seeing me the day before had really fucked with his head. He then asked me to go see him for a couple of hours last night, which I did. I was obviously in good spirits because I thought with what he was saying the night before, he wanted to try. We laid & watched a film, we cuddled a bit, he held my hand, grabbed my bum a few times etc, but it didn’t feel Normal. At the end of the film I asked him if I should expect a text from him saying he wanted it to be over & that’s when he told me he doesn’t have feelings for me anymore? I cried, he didn’t care. I text him this morning & he’s just been awful to me, accusing me of texting other people or if I hadn’t already I would eventually & cheat on him, because of my past. And now is claiming he switched off after the argument at the wedding & we can’t get over it because he doesn’t want to.
    He’s since blocked me on all social media, whatsapp & snapchat, but has only blocked my messages on Facebook & not my actual profile.
    I’m sorry if this doesn’t make much sense; but please help me. How am I supposed to understand all this? It was going great up until the wedding, he bought me an expensive watch the night before to wear to it & kissed my back in bed until I fell asleep? He is a very moody person, quite a lot of hate, he hates his job & slags people off. I spent £40 on his daughter birthday presents & he was awful to me that day too, he had to work so I ran around picking up her presents & did everything for him & he was just vile with me. My brain can’t cope with what’s going on, I need answers.
    Thank you in advance x

    Reply
    • jennifer 25/01/2018, 8:05 am

      Sorry for my late reply. CBjj, having read your incredible story, it sounds to me like your ex hasn’t really grown up he is very immature with his behaviour and does show some narcissistic tendencies. Can you imagine that for the rest of your life putting up with this nonsense? You deserve to have a proper adult relationship with someone who adores you. If he has blocked you on social media then he has done you a massive favour as it saves you from doing it. I think it may help you to go no contact with him for a while and see where it goes. Please keep me informed of your journey.

      Reply
  • Tasharae 08/10/2017, 9:32 pm

    My situation is off, the Narc I was dating 9 year old was abusive towards me, and ex wife disrespectful. He allowed it to happen for months. As if it wasn’t an issue. Suddenly, I stood up to them all, it became a problem . I called them all out on their lies, including my ex. He became hostile. I believe he started cultivating a relationship with someone before the last day. He was sweet, loving and kind in the beginning but his 9 year old son was terrible. Weeks before the break, he finally tells me, his son has ADHD/ODD and behavioral problems, that explains the manipulative behavior, lies and physical abuse I endured. My ex hated that I noticed his son behavior before he told me, after taking him to see a child psychiatrist. Finally, I’m 43 has a minor heart attack, although I workout 5 dats a week 45 minutes of Cardio, the Emory Dr.’s says it was due to pure stress. My Narc never showed up to the Hospital and sent me a text while I was in surgery, “it’s over”! Blocked my number and would not talk to me, ask me for money back though! After two months of trying to ask him why?? He ask the police to put a no contact on me. The police officers said, mam he’s a 52 year old acting like a 5 year old. Your beautiful and deserves better. Move on don’t contact him, this isn’t a restating order but do t keep asking him why, to prevent him from getting one. It sucks and hurts like hell. I went above and beyond for him and his kid two weeks before he dumped me my Hospital visit. I treated him like a king in the Dominican Republic but he still dumped me. Sad and don’t know how to heal! Please help

    Reply
    • jennifer 25/01/2018, 8:08 am

      I would listen to what those police officers say. Even though you have an emotional investment in this man, you are better off cutting all ties with him. Do yourself a big favour and look after yourself, no one else will.

      Reply
  • Christina 25/11/2017, 9:16 pm

    My ex is a narcissist. Finally got to the point where there was no more denying that fact, and I left. I’m confused about his behavior after I left. He made it clear and repeatedly he had no interest in reconciling but there he was giving me stuff from the house and money. After some research, I concluded he was giving me money to make himself look good – not because he cared/was too afraid to tell me he wanted to reconcile; another reason was he hoped his doing so would result in my coming crawling back, begging forgiveness, and saying everything was my fault; last but not least, to convince me he cared and would do as he’d asked, which was to do everything without a lawyer. Even though we’re now divorced, stuff from the house continues to keep coming via our daughter to the point where he’s pretty much replaced everything in the house. He gives them to her, and she has no use for them; she asks me if I want them. Why is he doing this??

    Reply
    • jennifer 25/01/2018, 8:15 am

      I suppose it’s his way of contacting you? He still wants to be part of your life in some way even though it’s a very small way. I agree with you that it’s odd behaviour though!

      Reply
  • Lorraine 17/12/2017, 1:58 pm

    I was in a 4 year relationship with this guy that I had no idea of his mental capacity. He is 17 years older than I and I noticed an ongoing pattern that I discovered as time went on. Then to realize there was another woman involved and God only knows how many more. Once I began to check up and investigate things. Portions of the Truth was revealed. Then the Mask come off and its Been a Roller coaster ride Every since. Now We are Broken up. I went NO CONTACT. Its just unreal what I have experienced and What Im Yet Experiencing.

    Reply
    • jennifer 25/01/2018, 8:20 am

      It’s difficult isn’t it. It may help you to write your story down, so you will never forget what happened. If in the future you reconcile with each other you can read your notes and remember not to go down that road again!

      Reply
  • Rosie 06/01/2018, 10:35 am

    I have been in a relationship with my narcissist for two years. I know I need to end it, but I’m terrified of the fall out, especially as we share a child and I will have to deal with him forever. He has cheated on me numerous times with his ex wife, another narcissist, as well as others I’m sure, and disrespects me daily by showing absolutely no consideration for me or empathy for my needs. I am always the one in the wrong causing “issues” and he is always the victim, no matter how bad his behaviour. Still I stay. I have become his doormat and my self worth is at an all time low. To make matters worse, he’s a sports celebrity and while there are many who see through him and have told me to walk, he is worshipped by thousands. He has limited friends and the only ones he has feed his ego constantly. Even his parents condone his disgusting behaviour. My question is, how do I find the strength to leave this man child and deal with all that’s to follow? I am terrified of my baby being subjected to other women as he will no doubt move someone else in in a heartbeat. This fear cripples me so I stay and allow the abuse. Any advice would be welcome.

    Reply
  • Evelyn 13/01/2018, 7:15 pm

    My boyfriend left me for another girl. I needed him back desperately because i loved him so much. I became very worried and needed help. as i was browsing through the internet, I came across a website that suggested that Dr.Mack can help get ex back fast and stop a divorce or breakup and so on , So I felt I should give him a try. I contacted him and he told me what to do and i did it then he did a (return Love spell) for me. 28 hours later, my boyfriend came back to me crying and begging for my forgiveness. Today I’m so happy and i want to recommend this great spell caster to anyone that truly needs an urgent solution to his or her broken relationships and marriage. Simply contact the great “Dr.Mack” If you have any problem contact him and i guarantee you that he will help you., Thank you Dr Mack for saving my broken relationships and brought my boyfriend back to me!” email him at: dr.mack201@ gmail. com ,

    Reply
    • jennifer 25/01/2018, 8:22 am

      I’m sorry but this won’t work at all!

      Reply
  • Lizzie 24/01/2018, 9:36 pm

    Thank you so much for your insights and for being brave enough to put this information out in cyberspace. Everything you said is my situation to the letter. He all of a sudden had cancer. Then he would call me a whore when I went “no contact” and accused me of having sex with a bunch of men. Then he tried to shower me with gifts. Give me money. Reading your post has given me the strength to keep “no contact” and to focus on the steps I need to love myself more and confirms that walking away was the best thing I could do. The craziest thing is I would blame myself for always letting him back into my life and for thinking that “this time” he would change. 5 years later I’ve learned a hard lesson and decided enough. I have gone “no contact” now for almost a month and believe you me if there was ever anything I was more proud of that would be that I had the strength to do it. The part where you say he will still try to reach out is very true despite my clear intentions that it’s over. He drives by my house and follows me when I’m picking up my kids. I’m actually to a point where I fear what would happen if he were to knock on the door and I wouldn’t answer. I’m just hoping after enough time he will move on to his next victim.

    Reply
    • jennifer 25/01/2018, 8:23 am

      He is never going to change, these people love drama! I know this is a drastic step, but would you be willing to move house?

      Reply
  • Celia 01/02/2018, 2:04 pm

    Okay so i think my ex is a narcissist but im not sure. I met him last april and he seemed like the perfect guy. Attractive and had a good job a nice car and his own apartment. Said he wanted a future with marriage a house and kids. He praised me up and down and said so many nice things about me within the first couple weeks of talking. I had just got out of a horrible relationship witj a drug addict who dragged me down who was currently in prison but i had been working on my life and he praised me and said how proud of me he was for all i had accomplished. There were a few red flags for me such as he seemed too eager to talk about the future to the point it seemed to be moving too fast. I told him i needed some time before i jumped into a relationship because of my past but he continued to persue me and i thought how could i pass up this perfect guy. Another red flag i should have paid attention to is that he would talk about how crazy all his exes were and how they all want him back. Not to mention he had told the girl he dated before me they could work it out but then when he met me immediately cut her off and told her how much happier he was with me. I stupidly believed everything he told me about her but looking back it seems weird. So he sucked me in and we started a serious relationship. Well shortly after that i started having some problems with my roomate and he offered to let me stay with him. I thought it was too soon so i waited things out with my roomate and they got better so i stayed. I think this angered him tho. He started to say things to me to down my self esteem like telling me my friends are crazy and im not mature enough for an adult relationship. Well shortly after that i got in a car accident and totaled my car and he was so mean through the whole thing. No emotion basically told me to just get over it. We started fighting more and more because he would always say mean things and then i would get an attitude cuz i was hurting. I try to tell him how his comments made me feel but he basically would tell me hes just telling me like it is and hes real and if i dont like it i could go find someone nicer. We would fight about this all the time but it would always get turned back on my and how i had a bad attitude. He would threaten if things didnt change we couldnt stay together. I didn’t believe him because the next day he would act like everything was fine and he wanted me more than ever. Well about a month a ago we got into a big fight after he claimed i got an attitude and he hung up on me. I got rly mad about that cuz i felt disrespected and i kept calling and messaging him until he turned his phone off and called me crazy. After two days of ignoring me i try toapologize and he says he needs some space i told him no he either wants to work it out or no. He said ok and two days later i felt i had made a mistake and asked if we could do the space thing. He says no he changed his mind its just over. I begged him for a chance for two weeks and he refused. He contacted me a couple times to ask how i was doing but would quickley end the convo. He said we could be friends but i mentioned getting mu stuff back and he was very vauge about when. He refused to even see me in person so i could get some closure. So i finally come to find out last week hes dating someone new. He told me himself. Now its only been a month but when i told him it was fast he said its not fast i just feel that way cuz im hurting. At that point i started to realize just how over it was and started to believe he may be a narcissist. He still tags me in things once and a while on fb sometimes he likes or laughs at my posts. And then just yesterday he posts something on fb about if your in a new relationship should you be able to be friends with your ex but claims it has nothing to do with him cuz his relationship is just fine. I feel like hes trying to harass me. I cant tell if hes really a narcisisst or if this is all in my head and its really my fault

    Reply
    • jennifer 06/02/2018, 11:21 am

      Being in a relationship is so difficult sometimes and the amount of stuff we put up with in the name of love is unbelievable at times. You had a connection with this man that went really deep, but you didn’t seem to get on with him. He seemed to lack empathy and was pretty mean to you at times. It looks like he has moved on with his life, could you do the same and just consider this episode to a lesson for you to learn from? I know it probably doesn’t feel great at the moment but he has done you a huge favour! Take time out in your life and look after yourself. Make sure you grieve for the lost relationship properly, but understand that he wasn’t the right guy for you. I have a feeling he is very immature. I’m not too sure if he is a full blown narcissist though he does have a couple of traits. Please look after yourself and I wish you luck in the future. I would love to hear your reply!

      Reply
  • Britt 18/02/2018, 5:36 am

    I found myself reading this article after reflecting on the last 6 years of a relationship with my narcissistic boyfriend/babydaddy. Looking for positive encouragement, and a pathway to completely free myself. For years I did’t truly love myself, nor knew my true worth. Change came along , and I grew mentally and spiritually. Through this change my boyfriend’s true colors started to show themselves or rather I truly began to see things for what they really are. If I were to write down all the things that I have been through with this man …. there would be a series of books.From the constant manipulation, lying , using me , and even physical attacks that this man brings into my life ,I am so ready to end this toxic, and hate driven relationship with this man. I pray daily for him to just leave , disappear out of my life so can live in peace and be the best me. I know that he is holding me back. I try to figure ways to make living with him bearable to say the least , but everything that I have tried doesn’t work. We live together and have a 2 year old son, and I’ve tried so hard to build a family with this man for the sake of our child. But I just cant do it anymore. I still have a heart for him , because I know if I kick him out he will have no where to go and the cycle of him blaming me for his downfalls in life will start. Is this the only thing stopping me from getting out?

    Reply
    • jennifer 18/02/2018, 3:01 pm

      Hello Britt, and thank you for being so brave, opening your heart to me and telling me your problems. To start making changes in your life, you have to start them first, there is no point in waiting to see if anything will happen with your partner because he will not initiate a separation because at the moment he has too much to lose. And dropping hints is not okay either because he probably will just dismiss what you say.

      It’s important that you get your life in order because you have your little boy to take care of. You need to be strong for him and yourself because the following months are going to be tough for you, if you make the decision to break up your relationship with this man.

      Does this man contribute to the finances, because if he does you need to arrange for some financial help from him to help bring up your child.

      Can I ask you how do you feel about your partner? Do you really love him, or have you fallen out of love with him because of the way he treats you?

      You will probably be better off mentally if you did spit up, but also you will be on your own, so how will you cope with this? Do you have a support network to help you through the tough times? If he has been treating you badly, how is he going to take the news that you want to split up with him? There are these questions and others that need answering before anything drastic happens.

      I can see where your problems lie and you are looking for a positive way to get out of the relationship. Have you tried sitting him down and telling him that you are no longer attracted to him? If so, how did he react? You could tell him you need space to think, or that the relationship has come to a natural end? What you mustn’t do is tell him that he is a narcissist, narcissists never own up to being one, so you may find yourself in a situation you don’t want to be in if he doesn’t take too kindly to being told that he has a mental illness.

      Good luck and please let me know how you got on and don’t hesitate to comment again.
      Best wishes x

      Reply
  • Maude 23/03/2018, 5:29 pm

    My story is long but I’ll keep it short. I starting dating a man I had known for several years as a friend and witnessed his behavior with past relationships as being harsh in some of his breakup techniques with his past finance. Two years later they broke it off and as his friend he reached out to me. We remained friends for several months then began dating. It was very sweet for 7 months and our relationship blossomed. Though he would “ghost” me for a few days needing space or not answering his phone at times my feelings would get hurt but I’m an adult woman and would occupy my time. In time he asked me to marry him and I accepted. Then all hell broke lose. I experienced the first full-blown rage episode, the “I don’t know what came over me” apologizing for the behavior, the jealous digs, comparing me to his last girlfriend, talking about other woman and cussing me out, breaking up with me and then coming back to make-up. The cycle continued. After what seems 40 break-ups in 1-1/2 years I would slowly go no-Contact, he would sleep with other women but would continue to knock at my door leave cards, flowers etc. I’d break and there I was again in the cycle ending in rage then another discard and it would start all over again. I finally came to my senses. I went no contact after the last discard for 60 days. He never gave up. I changed my # and was feeling good, less stressed, moving on…then unfortunately he made contact and I slipped not expecting it to be him with a knock at the door. Now, the “I’ve changed, I’m in counseling, I’m in anger management, I want to get married, I love you, gifts, etc. I told him I don’t want to do any of that that I need space and time and to move slow that I don’t trust anything. He won’t take this as an answer. I finally told him I could only be a friend I don’t want marriage, I want my boundaries respected. But, nope. He calls my new #, leaves messages, shows up at my door, tells me he’s going to marry me whether I know it now or not, sweet talks, hasn’t lost his cool, is changed, prays, etc. my feelings have changed. I tell him, yet he gets upset and continues to pursue. I’m at a loss here. I know he was a class book Narc with is past behavior…and maybe he only had a “rage” issue, and he’s working on it. I care about him, I’m attracted to him, but I don’t trust any of this, I have past hurts from the verbal abuse during his rages but he just won’t accept that I don’t want to be married or even be in a committed relationship. I tell him relentlessly and it’s causing me anxiety because I can’t trust it; yet I don’t feel the same completely, yet what if the changes are real. How long can the mask stay on before it slips again if he really is putting in a show? I’m thinking of moving; I just don’t know what to believe. I’m very happy he is trying to change and when he’s good he is a great guy. But I feel so pressured, boundaries crossed, and he tracks me down. It’s all just wrong. How do you push out someone when they are “changing” for the betterment of themselves, tell you how in love they are with you, etc? I have never been in such a weird place before. He has lied to me about so many little and big things and I just don’t trust any of this. Again, I’ve gotten back into this relationship as a “friend” but he has this obsession with winning me back to marry me. I’m so confused but I know I feel more at peace when it’s just me. He tells me to break it off with him; yet when I do he doesn’t go. Is this the big discard or is this a repentance? I wish the no-contact would of stuck but that too was all one sided on my part. Thanks for your insight

    Reply
    • jennifer 25/03/2018, 7:32 am

      Thank you for having the courage to bearing your soul!
      I’m sorry to hear that you are in this situation.
      It looks like he is finding your no contact behaviour irresistible and it’s like a big game to him that you are having no contact for so long, yet, he keeps trying (and succeeding) to win you back. Just remember that he is toying with your emotions and he is enjoying a game that only involves him at which he is loving every moment.
      Can you imagine spending the rest of your life this?
      He needs to seriously grow up. He still has a childish mentality.
      Do you want to continue on this cycle of abuse?
      Look at your relationship. This is not normal behaviour.
      You need to find the strength to start caring about your feelings. Never mind his. What about you?
      How do you feel on a day to day basis?
      What is it going to take to make you feel great again?

      Reply
      • Maude 27/03/2018, 8:30 pm

        Thanks. He is making changes by leaps and bounds and if he is in fact changing for the better, then there will be a lucky gal out there. As for me, I’m not going back. I cannot risk the emotional/verbal/rage/anxiety/confusion/anger/jealousy and all the other emotions that gets stirred up. The honeymoon phase is always beautiful and fun with him but the rest is a grueling day to day exhausting experience. Besides, I feel like the life is sucked out of me after 2 weeks and my own life falls off the tracks because we are doing everything he wants. I know the outcome of this. I know what is right for me and my peace of mind. I know what to do. If the man is changed then I’m happy for him and wish him and his new lady all the best. I wish the best for me too. And that comes with moving on no matter what. Thank you. I appreciate your input.

        Reply
        • jennifer 29/03/2018, 10:46 am

          Maude, I wish you all the best! You had hit rock bottom being with this man, but things can only get better from now on. It will take time to get your thinking straight again. Just keep persevering and never give up! Good Look!

          Reply
  • Sharon Fox 24/03/2018, 12:34 am

    My narcissistic boyfriend threw me to the wolves. He seems to be enjoying the hurt he has caused me. He tells me that he don’t owe me any explanations or answers to my questions. He tells me that he doesn’t give a f*** about my feelings and he is moving out of the apartment we share in the morning. He tells me how disgusting I am and his names for me are skank, fat bi**h, whore, puke, stupid bi**h, ugly, and that he never loved me in the 5 and a half years we were together. He has recently been laughing in my face over things that bother me. He treats our pet with more care, concern and love then he ever showed me and that also includes his male friends. Im not suppose to know of his moving tomorrow but a neighbor told me about it. He has been cheating on me with quite a few different women but has never admitted it. Some have even told me of his advances and when ever I questioned him about it he would get loud and start calliñg me names and threatening. I feel like my world is falling in around me. I’m having nightmares, crying spells, can’t eat, concentrate, or sleep well while he is singing, laughing, loving our dog, sleepiñg good, spending all his time with neighbors, and all the while telling me how he can’t wait to get away from me. I have bent over backwards for this man and changed a lot about myself for him. And this was the outcome to my dismay. I feel so powerless and humiliated while it doesn’t bother him at all. I have been trying to put on a I don’t care attitude for him but I’m really dying inside. I need help so so badly! I feel like I might have a nervous breakdown! As I’m writing this he is in the bedroom getting ready to go out with who ever tonight. I have been getting the silent treatment for a month and a half. When I have tried asking what I have done to deserve this he yells that he don’t owe me anything and even called the police on me twice to have me àtrested! For no good reason. Thank god I wasn’t! Please I beg of you for some sound advice with what I’m dealing with! I have never been so disillusioned in my entire life of 53 years. Thank you for taking the time to read this, I’m truly suffering in silence

    Reply
    • jennifer 25/03/2018, 7:40 am

      Hi Sharon,
      Tell me what it is that you like about your boyfriend?
      And why is it that you deserve this kind of behaviour?
      A normal relationship doesn’t involve having the police called out on you.
      His pet names for you are not nice.
      Suffering in silence is not good.
      You need to break this cycle of abuse,and you need to build your self confidence up again.
      Can you honestly face another five years of this?

      Reply
  • lauren 06/04/2018, 12:53 pm

    I was with my boyfriend for 3 years, living together for 2. I ignored some early “red flags” because we’d been friends for a while and I had fallen in love with him. Gradually he became moodier/ more volatile and controlling. I found myself constantly tiptoeing around to prevent moodswings and punishment (he’d lock me out/ make me sleep on floor/ tell me to leave late at night/ spend hours having destructive fights that never got resolved) – and would blame me being a “terrible girlfriend” for giving him things to react to.
    I was sympathetic at first because he had a traumatic childhood and been in therapy 10+ years.
    Unfortunately the emotional abuse escalated to physical. He hit/kicked/ spat at me several times and during a particularly nasty fight bit me hard enough to leave a scar. Obviously this behaviour crossed the line, I had to leave – but I didn’t. I carried on listening to the excuses but becoming more and more unhappy – then also having to listen to him telling me that I wasn’t making enough effort with him/ facilitating him changing his behaviour. I have now tried to call it off, moved to a hotel for a week (during which time he hounded me constantly) I am trying to tell him its over and he cries/ begs/ tells me he’ll change/ he can’t live without me/ it’s only because he loves me so much that it all happened in the first place etc. I am literally losing my mind.

    Reply
    • jennifer 06/04/2018, 6:53 pm

      Hi Lauren,
      Thank you for opening up and talking about your experiences. I’m sorry to hear that you have gone through so much.
      If you can be strong, please don’t go back to your boyfriend. No matter how much he begs you to come back to him.
      I know it’s going to be difficult,mentally and emotionally, but in the long run you will be much better off without him.
      You need to heal your mind. He has caused enough damage already. Can you imagine living this life for the next twenty to thirty years?
      Do you want your kids to grow up in this kind of toxic atmosphere? It’s poisonous and the sooner you are not around this type of behaviour the better it will be for you.
      Don’t let him manipulate you into going back with him. He will punish you for what you have done.
      If I was you, I would cut my losses and sever all ties with him. Start this process now.
      Write a list of all joint things that you have together like, bank accounts,utility bills etc.
      Then take your name off of everything.
      Keep this information to yourself. Don’t tell him you are thinking of leaving him. Just be as calm as you possibly can and start thinking about your new future without him.
      Tell the police that you have been assaulted by this man, they need to know.
      Seek help. Tell your friends and relatives that you have suffered at his hands.
      I hope this information helps.
      Good luck for the future.

      Reply
  • Angel 20/05/2018, 3:47 pm

    Have not been able to sleep soundly, I am afraid at times…since breaking up with the narcissist and going NO CONTACT ..completely.

    Reply
    • jennifer 22/05/2018, 9:41 am

      Breakups are in no way an easy thing to do no matter who you break up with. It sounds like you are suffering with a stress disorder and you can either seek professional help, or start out by helping yourself and finding a program online, and if that doesn’t help, then you need to seek the advice of your doctor. What ever you do, please seek help as soon as possible. Take care x

      Reply
  • Blu 28/05/2018, 8:44 pm

    Ive been in a sort of long distance 4 year relationship with who I assume to be a covert narcissist. I finally decided to follow my gut and call it quits. I blocked his phone number, so he sent me a very short email saying…
    ‘Your wrong about one thing. Our desires are very similar. That being said if you don’t want to deal with me, I understand. Sorry my best wasn’t good enough. I love you. Good luck. ‘

    I feel a bit blah, any advice?

    Reply
    • jennifer 29/05/2018, 12:19 pm

      If you feel like you have made a mistake then the only thing to do is try to rectify your situation.
      Breaking up with your partner is not an easy thing to do. You are having all types of emotions coming at you, for a start you are grieving a lost relationship and you will feel lost, hurt, angry, depressed etc. The list goes on…

      Are you sure that your partner was a narcissist? And did you break up for the right reasons? Four years is a long time, is there any way that you could ask yourself a series of questions and maybe do a pros and cons list for yourself. You want to reassure yourself that you have made the right decision.

      You could try an online program to put you on the right path, I have a list of programs you could try if you go here https://datingnotice.com/17-best-tools-to-use-immediately-after-a-narcissistic-personality-disorder-attack/ There are a lot to choose from and they are a great way to stop you feeling so bad about yourself.

      Good luck and I hope you keep in touch. X

      Reply